I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CATCH A DITTO WHEN...

http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5174/5507058309_2fb753f8ec_o.jpg

Thanks Stella. Thanks. (Yes that is Zelda, but you get the friggin point.)

I blame my boyfriend too. Thanks for sending me video games during FINALS WEEK.

Links are better than whiskey (...wait.)

The other night I was trekking through some older posts from last year that were the same time when I was in New York, and I had to keep myself from crying. (I made the mistake of reading my December posts first). But the further I moved into the past, the easier it was to hold back the tears. Actually, the impulse to be a whimpering little baby about missing Michael no longer had a hold over me.

The content revolved around my time in Alaska with Michael, and reading it made me realize just how happy I was when I was physically with him. You can just feel it when you read it.

I was also laughing hysterically. There is some good shit that I wrote last November, some gooood shit. So, since I am going to be lounging around in the sun today with my coworkers and have very little interesting things under my belt to talk about, I've decided to present a list of my old posts for my newer readers (and old of course) to enjoy while I catch me some rays. Hopefully you will get a kick out of them like I did. I feel like most of them are too good to sit in the past collecting dust. Feel free to comment on them, despite the dates. Be good little readers until I come back!

A Man's Perspective: The Burial Edition

They really don't Mom

The man who would die for his beer

...but I like purple!

I hope the deer were in costume too.

Lucky number three

Fleas, crabs, and mutated cells all make a J-Roll

I suddenly feel like I've popped in a movie for my children to occupy their time with as I leave the house for a bit. Hmm. Better than whiskey. Oh, Grandma.

I would rather be playing my game, really

The last few weeks have been so action packed that I haven't nutured my blog, which I beat myself up for every day that I had a spare moment to post but didn't because I am a lazy ass and because I just discovered a cool online game that I am officially addicted to (multiple addictions = less postage). So since I am not allowed to download this super awesome rpg on the work desktop (boss can't appreciate a good game) and since I just completed a good chunk of homework that is due next week, I can finally post.

...only I have no clue as to what I want to talk about. I forgot my notes at home.

Yes, I am one of those. You know, the blogger that only finds inspiration when my laptop isn't handy, like when I'm at the movies or on the toilet, and end up having to write things down before I forget, but when I finally get the time to sit down and write, I end up losing  gasp of all of the pent up motivation and just play video games instead. Yeah, I'm committed.

I can recall one thing that I wrote on the list after receiving a text from Michael about the status of his pants. This did not just happen once, but it is becoming a habit of his to text me the wearabouts of his pants, whether they are being worn or being stripped away. I do not know what to expect next.

"Pants status: Off"

"Pants status: On"

Maybe I should start texting him the status of my hormones, because God knows that is ever changing, and I don't want to text him the status on my pants because there would be nothing to update. I live in Texas. Fuck pants. Plus, any text with the implication of clothing being removed would be torture for a sailor who hasn't got any since last year. Poor guy. Poor me. Poor pants. Poor hormones.

Poor readers for having to endure this post. I'll stop now.

Doesn't Spring Break imply, well, I don't know... a break?

I am going to keep this post vague because I have little to no interest in going into detail about my terribly disappointing Spring Break. Basically, this week has been the shits. Instead of trying to salvage what little time I have left of it, I am trying not to allow myself to fall apart.

One of my best friends is leaving to Michigan in order to jump start her life. The family dog is seriously ill and in response to that my Dad fell apart. Michael is so busy with school we can only manage a real conversation twice a week if we are lucky. My job's pay is less than decent but I love the people there too much to find something closer to home that pays more.

But I shouldn't elaborate. I know you just got back from Cancun or the Bahamas or some other tropical destination with sand in your crack, liquor on your breath, a sweet tan, a rockin' bod and a sweet story to share and really aren't interested in a sob story that will ruin your glow.

I am not bitter at all.

Then again...

All it takes is a Skype conversation and all the bad goes away. You can keep your Spring Break memories. I've got this guy.

What the Internet REALLY thinks of me

Not quite there Jess. Not quite there.

I swear someone slipped something into my cereal this morning.

My mind and memory are running a mile a minute because I feel like I haven't spoken to you guys about what's been going on in my life and that is what a blog is about so technically I'm not fulfilling my duty as a blogger and I should be ashamed that I haven't talked about half of the things that have occurred since last weekend other than getting a computer virus which has totally been taken care of and what on Earth is up with me not talking about the fabulous party I was able to attend because my boss took my shift I need oxygen oh my God.

Yeah, I'm in one of those moods today.

So I am going to cover the minor details first, then we can move onto bigger and better things-- like penis cupcakes, T&A cookies that went horribly yet not so horribly wrong, and a few awards that have been bestowed upon me by a few friends in the blogging community. Firstly, the good news. I have made some real progress on the dialog in my musical and am searching for volunteers to run lines with me soon so I can hear the words out loud and tweak them into perfection. So there is that, and that makes me happy. I hope to be finished by the end of May. When I'm feeling optimistic, I aim for the day I go to see Mike's graduation in California, which is toward the middle of May. A week is a big difference. You can get a lot done in a week. (Or you can PLAN to get a lot done then slack off like I do.)

More good news! I aced my first American Literature Exam and my boyfriend overnighted two dozen tulips to me for Valentine's Day, which I'll get into on a whole separate post. It totally deserves a post of its own.

Now for the shit news. I just found out that I can't cram the rest of my mandatory classes into the remaining semesters before graduation next Spring, so it looks like I'll have to wait an extra semester or two before Michael and I can live together. I'm sure that will make his family very happy. So I suppose in a way it's a good thing. It's like I'm suffering, but sucking up at the same time. I'm losing and they are gaining, so technically I'm gaining...

Always a brighter side to being hated! (Insert dramatic sobbing sounds here)

Now for more mediocre news. I have 49674 writing projects that I'm working on. It is so difficult having so many writing projects that I can't really talk about other than brief updates like "worked on the book today" and "too lazy to finish the short story last night." I wish I could discuss the content of these projects, but a wise friend with expertise in situations of a similar nature advised against it. So, with all of my willpower, I am going to listen, because if I ever hope to be a good writer, I've got to earn to take advice from professionals. Oh come on, it's harder than you think. I'm a stubborn little shit and I get excited about what I write, so I like to share. My blog is a perfect example of this. But even if artistic thievery weren't an issue, I feel like if I gave too much away on here, I'd be jinxing myself in the long run. No one wants that, especially me.

Well okay. I could think of a few people who'd enjoy seeing me fail. Let's just leave that list alone.

Let's get happy again. I have a new link up top, a tab I never imagined getting so soon in the game. "Awards." It's plural guys. That means that there is more than one. That means that more than one person thinks that I'm super. I sch'wear to God I didn't award them to myself. I'm just sch'o popular.

Thanks to TOAR at Thoughts of a Randomista, Andres Rio from Good Music, Bad Math and Christine from The New Adventures of Christine for the collection of awards! This is belated, but no less full of gratitude and a plethora of love.

So apparently, to receive these awards, you must abide by some rules (that I am currently hunting down so bear with me). Christine says that I must tell five things about myself and mix in a few lies. That sounds easy enough. I HEREBY ACCEPT THESE AWARDS BY LYING TO MY READERS. Best condition ever.

1. I met my boyfriend online about five years ago. We've been dating for about nine months now.

2. I collect lawn gnomes.

3. I fractured my elbow and wrist dancing in a Chili's parking lot.

4. My co-worker bumped me into the display case at work and bruised my vaginal bone.

5. I took a bubble bath in a hot tub with my boss and co-workers.

One fact is indeed not a fact. It is a deceiver. Don't believe what it tells you.

Onto choosing three people to pass this lovely .gif onto!

1. @Thundercat: Hands down the easiest pick. I don't need to explain how full of awesome this chick is.

2. @Freeflying: From the start she supported me and stuck with me as I developed as a blogger. Since then, every time I fly to see Mike, I wonder if I'll run into her. One of my favorite bloggers by far.

3. @JRuud: My first friend on 20sb. This girl lights up my life with her attitude. I see rainbows and sunshine after I read her cheery posts.

Dun dun DUN!

...God, I must have way too much sugar in my system. I'll post pictures from the party when I'm less of a spaz and more of a regular functioning human being. Of course it would also make sense to have the camera/memory card on me. Which I don't. I am so unprepared and too hyper to care. I totally just rhymed.

To write, I must party.

I planned a party of sorts this weekend that I may not even be able to attend because I can't get my shift covered on Saturday. I'd list off every profanity in the book right now if that could communicate to you how I'm feeling right now, but my patience is withering away every moment I am not in the clear to go to this damn party.

So while my blood begins to cool from the simmer it was experiencing previously, I have decided to focus on one of my many writing projects. It is a musical of epic proportions. Before you scoff and remind me of how competitive and unrealistic the world of the arts can be, I am completely aware. You don't have to remind me. But this is not just something I am doing half-assed. I am practically putting my soul into this. Broadway, I AM COMING FOR YOU.

Let's just focus on the boogers kids.

My reward for classes being cancelled today is being surrounded by children who constantly feel the need to nark on each other and go poop with the door wide open. One of the kids asked "Are boogers always green?" from across the room and it completely caught me off guard because I am still fending off the mentality that I had adopted last night when I posted. My Mom seemed caught off guard too, which surprised me more than the question itself because she must hear questions like this everyday. She has been trained in the art of answering strange questions that manifest in the minds and escape through the mouths of three-year-olds. You have to maintain a good sense of humor when you are around kids all of the time.

We'll be back after these messages.

Since I turned in the poems that were due today, I don't have much going on other than my snooping through all of my old videos in tribute to the video that I made yesterday (other than the fact that I said "y'know" about 3497 times. That should not be celebrated). And I have discovered that there is some hilarious shit in my videos folder that I sadly may not be able to display on the internet due to some friends who do not find the embarrassing shit that was documented to be very flattering. So I have been digging for a while to find something that I can possibly show you in an attempt to invite you into my life a little bit more than my writing has provided. Surprisingly, just because I write, that does not make me any less than a visual person. So I figure I'll touch base with both.

A colorful rant meets a colorful rant.

I was surprised at how much feedback I received for posting my first Vlog, and how fast I received it. Thank you everyone for putting up with me. I was unaware that I had an accent until this morning when I accepted the plethora of comments waiting for me. Also, apparently I make a hot librarian figure, which will sadly be a temporary look considering that I am going to get my contacts soon. Sorry everyone, but at least you have documented proof that I am sizzling hot in my glasses. Those are going to be put away for a long time, so if this upsets you, I encourage you to watch the video as much as you want. This is not an invitation to undress me with your eyes though, you librarian fetish fiends.

Fleas, crabs, and mutated cells all make a J-Roll

Day something: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality

I would firstly like to complain openly about how I am the only Zodiac sign who has two health conditions: cancer and crabs. At birth I was diagnosed with an STD followed by a life threatening disease. That is just wonderful.

But in all honesty, I wouldn't be any other sign but a Cancer. I have always been proud of my zodiac sign for what it stands for and how spot on it seems to be with my personality. Here is a little tidbit about Cancerians or whatever the Hell we're called.

"Cancer, the fourth sign of the zodiac, is a water sign, which signifies your highly emotional nature. Being under the sway of the element of water also makes you highly caring, generous and intuitive. You are highly evolved, even spiritual — the water signs are karmically (buh?) developed and refined in spirit.

Water is malleable and adaptable. You are very much like that. You adapt when you have to, but you much prefer to make changes on your own terms.

Like water, you are soothing and nourishing too. Life-supporting energies are at the heart of your character. You will act as a support for many people — in your own family and beyond. (Like in space!)

Oscar-winning actress Kathy Bates is a dedicated patron, funding a Beverly Hills hospital for women recovering from cancer. Guess what her star sign is? You got it — Cancer! (Really?! OMFG.)

You are for the most part a person of feeling and sensation. (Hot.) Often you will ignore your own judgment and rationality, and someone’s else’s reasonable advice, in favor of how you feel. (Not so hot.) You don’t care if you’re wrong, either! If your intuition tells you to do something, like reaching out to give someone a helping hand, you’ll just do it. (Nevermind, I'm awesome!)

Others turn to you when they need a shoulder to cry on — you’ll do well in any of the caring professions. This approach is highlighted by your key life phrase, ‘I nurture’. You find it difficult to turn away anyone in need. Anyone who knows you will agree that you are one of the best people to connect with if they need advice. Friends will turn to you if they are in trouble, knowing that your sensitive and compassionate touch will lighten their load. (...What load are we speaking of here?)

You are extremely receptive to your environment and the people around you, and will often ‘pick up’ people’s energies, moods and thoughts. (I can read minds?) This ability serves you well; your intuition about people is quite often correct. Your knack of knowing people’s issues before they even open their mouths attracts them to you. (Again. I can read minds?!) The difficulty with this, though, is that you can tend to absorb their emotions — negative as well as positive.

You reflect the qualities of the changing Moon. (I'M A WEREWOLF!) This means that at times your emotions get the better of you, and you swing from high to low. Family and friends will be well aware of this, but they will not doubt your loyalty and support.

Another aspect of the Moon that sometimes doesn’t work well for you is its maternal nature. (I'm a caring werewolf) You sometimes veer too close to the mothering/smothering lane, which can put people off. (I smother people with my emotions instead of pillows because I'm all about prolonging the process)

Back on the plus side, you love to mix with all sorts of people. (...Rum and Coke that is) Social activities are an essential ingredient in your development. You are a great success socially, because you can convey your wisdom to others so well (Beer before liquor, never been sicker kids) — Cancerians have very expressive faces.

(It's true)

Creative enterprises are a great way to make the most of your moods and your imagination. Music and writing are perfect vehicles for you. You can express the inner part of your being as entertaining literary, art or music pieces." -Astrology.com

And that is that folks. You heard them. I was destined to blog. Cancer and crabs don't seem so bad anymore.

I find it sad that it took me all day to create this list. Just sad.

I am a terrible person and I don't care! I am avoiding the religion post! There, I said it! Don't judge me! I have my reasons! I am not yelling because I feel guilty, okay!?

Day whatever: 30 interesting things about me

1. I have a cat named Stella.
2. My sense of style changes from day to day.
3. Most of the men in my family are or were in some branch of the military.
4. I have no self control when it comes to food.
5. My favorite color changes frequently.
6. I can sing choral music but have no radio voice whatsoever.
7. I don't know how to ride a bike.
8. I firmly believe that Japanese cartoons are the shit and I thoroughly enjoy video games of any sort.
9. I come from a family of writers.
10. I often get the impulse to dance, even when there is no music.
11. I am currently writing a musical and a novel.
12. My worse fear is not being able to have children.
13. I am anemic and often faint.
14. I can relate most of my life to That 70's Show.
15. I want to be a soccer mom. Football and baseball's cool too. Anything where I can scream profanities in the stands.
16. I am a balance between country and city girl, so I prefer small towns.
17. I work at a hookah lounge.
18. I met my boyfriend in an online writing community.
19. My family is obsessed with Disney World.
20. I am a complete wine-o.
21. My favorite shisha flavor is blackberry/ambrosia.
22. I am actually pretty shy when I meet new people.
23. I love the feeling of the sun on my face.
24. I used to dye my hair every four months.
25. When I was in middle school, I was obsessed with Ewan McGregor.
26. My favorite flower is a tulip.
27. I've always been fascinated by literature of any type.
28. My first chosen major was Child Development
29. I am constantly writing lines of my book in my head.
30. No matter what, the movie "Click" ALWAYS makes me cry.

Technology stereotypes too

You know how Facebook alters its advertisements to appeal to viewers individually? I guess some sort of FB stereotyping system decided that wedding dress, engagement and baby apparel ads would suit me, because even when I clear them off of my screen- repeatedly might I add- more of them spawn with a persistence that I am beginning to question. I don't understand the engagement ring ads either. I'm not the one who should be looking at those. It should be directed to men, am I right?

Is it because I'm twenty (still young!), or is it because all of my friends are married and many already have children? Maybe it's because I have a vagina, and everyone knows that all women aspire to do is to get married and breed. And obviously, because I am a university student, I must need alcohol rehab, because I'm such a drunk.

Alright, alright, maybe I have no room to talk, considering that one of my labels that my sidebar includes "me and booze." And all of these relationship statuses that are shifting from "in a relationship" to "engaged" are really starting to make me want a drink. So scratch the previous sarcasm.

But I don't need rehab. Seriously. I don't!

*hic*

A New Hope: The Boyfriend Blogs Back!

Sorry about the Star Wars joke, folks. So, I'd like to introduce myself, for those of you that don't know me. I'm Mike! The yankee alaskan coastie boy J-Roll loves, for some reason. I may or may not be committing some cardinal blog-sin here, writing a post on HER account, but I had some things I had to say.

Um. I forgot them. Instead, some alliterative poetry! About boobs!

Or should I say...bodacious boobs!
Titillating tits!
Breathtaking breasts!
Juicy jugs,
Hot hooters,
Tasty ta-tas,
Smoking...sweater kittens.
Gnarly...knockers. Okay now I'm just grasping at straws. Enough of this! I look forward to you, the internet, hearing more about my somewhat humiliating hijinks through Jessica's writing.

And to Jess' family...I'm so sorry. She's probably going to kill me anyway when she finds out I did this.

Toodles!!

Dance Fails

Dancing aimlessly around the house in your underwear is the best remedy to the loneliness that occurs when the boyfriend is at work. I highly recommend it, even to people who are as clumsy as I-- the bruises are worth it. So far I have two new ones. It started off Foot Loose-esque with the leaps and the spins, fused with some Gaga moves, and topped with Shakira's hip pops. I probably look ridiculous, but at least I feel like I could give Beyonce a run for her money. By the time I'm finished, half of the furniture in the house is going to need repairing and I'm not going to be able to move for a while.

"No officer, I did not beat up my girlfriend. She just uh, was trying to learn how to breakdance on Youtube and flew through the window somehow. No officer, I can't explain the series of holes in the walls. No, I can't explain why she keeps answering your questions with Kesha lyrics either.

...you are going to handcuff me aren't you?"

Poor Mike.

Answer me this:
What is the craziest thing that has happened to you while home alone, specifically dancing? Have you fallen down stairs? Flipped over couches? And dance fails of the sort?

Share!

Making progress, one step at a time

I have been relentlessly stalking blogs all day long. I still have no clue what I want to write about today.

I have no follow up statement at this time.

( 2 hours later )

So I have a few enterprises that I have in store for the rest of the week. I've been searching for a project other than my book for a while. I've hit a brick wall with that. So being my creative and fabulously productive self, I have decided that if I can't dedicate time to my book, I will devote it to my blog instead.

As you can see if you have been following my posts for more than a month now, my page has changed form almost every week. I just couldn't bring myself to settle on a look. (That's why I don't have any tattoos.) So I've finally settled on this current display until something better travels my way. Lord knows that I can't work my way around Photoshop. I managed to do everything in paint. My mad html/css skills were left behind in high school. But still, it captures what I wanted to express: the thin line between childhood and adulthood. I'm still lingering restlessly in between. I am considered an adult, but no one takes me seriously.

And voila! Epic banner that represents just that.

Onto more or less serious matters, a friend of mine who knows her way around the blog-o-sphere advised me to spread the word about my blog in a variety of ways; ways that will not be shared here as there were far too many ridiculous ones that I won't consider unless desperate. (I refuse to print out my URL on thousands of sheets of paper and spread them across campus. Never will I resort to that.)

Okay, I came up with that one in a moment of doubt. Don't judge me.

I just have this intense yearning to get started. I want to be in that comfortable place as a writer. (Does that place even exist?) Reality tells me that that won't happen until way later. That is considering, of course, that my blog takes off in the direction that I want it to, that I finish that ten novels that I've started, and that I can actually pull off doing this as a professional.

Oh Lord. No wonder no one takes me seriously.

Goodbye present from Boss Man

For my going away present, Boss Man has given me two shifts to cover tonight. At first I was not pleased with the news, as it is Saturday and all of the college hooligans will be roaming the Square in drunken stupor celebrating Halloween prematurely and I would have to deal with them on my own. Yet the follow up text message went a little something like this: "You'll get paid for both shifts as well as get 90 percent of the tips for the night. Fo' real." Can't complain anymore can I? Luckily it has been smooth sailing, and I'm reaping the benefits.

Yes, there is a lesson in this.

Even if something sounds unappealing at first, sometimes it can be a good opportunity waiting to be taken advantage of. Laziness is often my excuse for letting these chances pass me by. I'm glad that it all worked out for me tonight. Hopefully the rest of the week will be smooth sailing. Only good has come out of this week, so I can't help but be cautious. Maybe the next flower arrangement will ACTUALLY be a bomb.

Who knows.

Stupid question of the night: "Are we allowed to eat food and stuff in here?"
Of course not. We expect the food that we sell here to be consumed outside.
Really?

Well this is certainly inconvenient.

Quick note to all of my readers:

I've been hitting refresh on my email all day while Mike has been calling my dead phone. 

Wonderful.

That little voice in my head...

Originally this blog was supposed to be themed, much like the rest of the ones I see when I'm hopelessly searching for something more interesting than someone updating people about their quilts and those exploring their scrap-booking obsessions. But hey, whatever floats your boat! (And speaking of sea vessels, I do have to say that these blogs that I stumble across that are about sailing across the world really intrigue me. Kudos!) I do seem to be overusing parenthesis yes? Well, when I'm typing, I can't help but experience these asides in my head, like a little voice saying, "Say this please!" It simply cannot be helped. But I do apologize if they seem excessive.

I digress.

Reverting back to what I was talking about before, this blog originally was intended to have a theme. Who wants to hear the musings of a college student? So, I was going to focus on what sets me apart from the average Joe scholar.

...And sadly, that will have to come later. This entry seems to have taken a different direction than intended!




Disclaimer: Of course I'm not hating on people who make quilts. I love quilts. And scrapbooks! I have a shit ton. Though it may sound like I am using this disclaimer to cover my ass (maybe just a little), I do respect any brand of artist, not just writers.