Jessica Breathes Life into an Old Friend

When I left this blog behind, it was for reasons that made sense only right when I made the decision to stop writing, reasons that made little sense almost immediately, and I've been carrying that regret with me for almost a year now. To be honest, I didn't think Documenting the Delusional was all that important to begin with, that I was wasting my time posting musings on the internet where so many others' reside and often die, only to be deleted or forgotten.

But, once in a while I would catch myself reading through the entirety of the blog in the late hours of the night thinking, "Why did I ever stop? Was it really because my ex-boyfriend read my posts?" Then a voice of reason us girls know only too well, the voice of my mother, came to me with this: "Jessica, I really wish you would start writing again. Your posts made me feel connected to you in ways I can't explain. You wrote about things that every person can connect to, and in such a way that made them feel like it was alright and even normal to feel that way."

Not once did I consider that I would be letting anyone but myself down if I just gave up and quit. Then I look at my 12,000 page views and feel like an asshole for ending my story with a cliffhanger and never presenting the world with a sequel. God, those are the worst.

So here I am, ready to continue documenting my story in the same fashion as before.

Michael and I reunited in California for his graduation from "A" School last May, and we officially moved in together (closer to home than Alaska) in Galveston, Texas. A lot has happened since then, a lot of things I would have considered good blog material and I'm sad to have let those opportunities slip by. I will say that Michael and I shared an anniversary in my absence, have purchased furniture together, and have made new friends. Our apartment is modest, stylish, and cozy. We've laid on the beach and tanned our Alaskan pallor away. Mike and I host our own blog called The Couch Dwellers. My cat Stella loves him more than me now. We've overcome many obstacles, and are stronger for it.

And now a new development has presented itself. Actually, it presented itself in a little box on January 15th of this year.

I am twenty-one, in love, and am getting married this October. I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be a good year, delusional or not.

When is goodbye really goodbye?

When you are a part of something, whether it be a church group or just a few buddies that hang with you by the river every weekend, it eventually becomes a part of you. Sometimes these consistencies, especially when they are people, can change you and your perspective of the world and the people around you. That is what makes goodbye's so hard. Every time I had to leave Michael I felt like I had to adjust to a life that didn't belong to me, and when I would see him again, my life would continue as if I had come home from a lengthy trip away from myself.

I didn't realize that the lounge was the one place that I could return to myself and have a break from the loneliness. The people there are like my family. I always avoided thinking about the moment when I would have to put in for my two weeks. It's been two years now, two years of people willing to do everything in their power to be there for me, a concept I wasn't used to until my first day at The Strat. Not many people work in an environment like that. I was and am very fortunate.

I had this same issue when I graduated from school and moved away from my friends in Varsity Choir. We were so tight knit that I literally had to cut some ties so that it wouldn't hurt so much. Everyone back in San Antonio still had one another; they still hung out, goofed off, even recalled music that we sang years before and sang their hearts out together. I wasn't a part of that. I am not a part of that. I had and have university, a new life to embrace, one that I would have preferred to include my old friends and the laughter.

But this seems harder. We are all adults-- not children-- so to pick up and move or start a family or whatever it is that adults do, we can do it. All of us. And that is going to keep us apart. Some of my best friends, coworkers here at the lounge, are graduating. Some are staying though, so I'll still have people to come back to. But the unit, this family, is going to branch out, and eventually those connections will fade and be replaced with new connections, new people.

Then again, it is in my power to keep these connections alive. If I can make a long distance relationship work with Michael, I can accomplish the same task with my friends. There are so many mediums that can keep these ties double-knotted. I suppose I just fear change, when the consistencies are no longer consistent. I have always had anxieties about new environments, experiencing things that I am not used to.

Maybe this isn't goodbye. Maybe these relationships I've built will keep the anxieties away.

Maybe it took me writing this to realize that.

Tonight is my second to last night working here. I am going to try and take in every detail, embrace every encounter, and smile as hard as I can. I want to remember tonight. I want to make it worth remembering.

A degree shouldn't trump happiness

Holy frig I've got so much to tell you, but my brain is being manhandled by the sound of plastic wheels against tiled floor accessorized with the wails of screaming children. A closed door cannot contain the madness. I haven't resorted to anything extreme just yet, but I assume that it will happen shortly. How my mother runs an in-house daycare is beyond me. How I have managed to keep my sanity since I moved in in January is also beyond me (apparently delusion is hereditary). You do not know what it is like to wake up to five screaming children at 7:00 on a Friday every week. Okay maybe you do. Thank the heavens she finally found the perfect building to start her daycare in.

...Let's hope I don't jinx it by posting the potential this building has on the internet. The web has the power to make or break you by harnessing the power of shit cloud, so I am really taking a chance on this one to tell you the details. You're welcome.

The other day, me and the parental units went to take a tour of an old firehouse down the highway that was up for lease. The first image that came to mind was a crowd of two year olds falling down the fire pole, so I thought the effort was doomed at the start, but I kept quiet. No reason to spoil it over the idea of dead babies... they are my mother's dreams guys. MY MOTHER'S DREAMS.

Gaping hole in the floor not suitable for children, or anyone really.

My fears were silenced when we saw the building. It was perfect, and I couldn't help but start visualizing the flow of children from one room to the other, me behind the desk, raking in the doe, looking all professional and shit. (I see a Mac desktop and more screaming children in my future!) Madre was even more excited. She was practically shaking with happiness, but Dad had warned her on the trip there not to scream for fear she would ruin his chances at negotiating prices. The man has mad haggling skills, I can't deny it. So the three of us toured, dreamed, and kept our outward expression to a minimum until we were safely in the car. Then the top of the truck blew off from the mushroom cloud of pent up elation being released.

"Jess! You and me, together! We're going to do this!" she said.

"DUH!"

...Just one problem ladies: University. (And wasn't I just complaining about noisy children?)

Alright. You got me. But that is why I am here, explaining this to you, because this dilemma was driving me up the wall. Let me ask you a question: "What would you do if you discovered the perfect job with the perfect salary and the perfect boss, but you'd only be hired on if taking on a nine to five shift everyday, but you are already a full time student (which you hate being with a fiery passion)?

Wouldn't most choose their education?

I must clarify something. To those of you who aren't aware, I am an English major with a Creative Writing emphasis, which makes me destined for teacherhood, a place I'd prefer to avoid going to. I'd rather freelance, blog, and do my own thing writing-wise, but that does not exactly bring in money (neither does teaching, but that is a dilemma all on its own). Hence the name of this blog.

I digress.

Let's consider the next stage of this frustration. Let's say I quit going to school and work for Mom. Michael is going to move here next month. If anything, I'd want to move in with him if school wasn't holding me back! So would it make sense to quit school and choose to work in a daycare instead of starting my life with Michael? What is a girl to do? I have been programmed to believe that attending college is my only gateway to success and opportunity, things I'd love to obtain... without a diploma. School has become this redundant chore that I find no joy in and that I've come to resent, and over time it has occurred to me that wasting years of my life trying to obtain a degree that is virtually useless to me in the long run is a huge a waste of time, especially if it does not make me happy.

Basically, I do not enjoy being a full time student with little options and little cash. So I approached my mom later about what it is that I am supposed to do, fearing the anticipated "no" and the expected cold shoulder. Surprisingly, the discussion went pretty well, and we both agreed that my best option at the moment is to invest my time in what could potentially be a family franchise. I could always continue with school later, if it suits my fancy. After she left the room, I felt like I could actually, for once, breathe.

Since that discussion, I have been dancing on cloud nine. I am happy. I've been working on standard things for the daycare, I have been buying things for Michael and my apartment on the beach, and I've been physically healthier due to the stress being lifted from my situation. Time to take care of the important things now: my health, my happiness, and my family...

...and my bank account. Never again will I have to make a box of cereal last me a week!

Sometimes music beats out medication

I suddenly feel 90345780303 times better than I did before. Ladies and gentlemen, Rio declaring his love for me through the power of SONG.

This certainly takes the edge off of my fainting spells more than concentrated iron does.

Not so underestimated... and some karaoke too.

This year I have discovered something.

It doesn't matter if other people have faith in what you are doing, it only matters if you have faith in yourself and your capacity to create. The ability to portray thoughts and ideas through language, a collection of words with individual meanings, is beautiful to me and should not be dictated by the approval of others. I am tired of hosting a blog with a title the defines my insecurities. Fuck it. I'm strong. I believe in myself and what it is that I can share with the world. So what if people don't take me seriously? I do!

...sometimes. That is why I am changing my blog title very soon, because I am ready to move onto the next stage of my life, and that stage does not involve me focusing on what holds me down. Yay revelations! And to start actively participating in this new state of mind, I have decided to join in on one of the internet's most kick ass traditions.

THE KARAOKE RING OF DEATH IS UPON US!

When I found out who I got to post, I nearly had a wine-gasm.

Wine-gasm: An occurrence that often takes place after downing one or more glasses of wine during a moment of pure joy or ecstasy.

I have the pleasure of hosting longroadset's video in celebration of this month's theme "Drunk" karaoke. I assume that since the song does not involve the words "booze", "liquor", or "whiskey", the chick's got it in her system. I can't tell. She sounds DAY'UM good for being intoxicate. Get it girl!

If you would like to take a peek at my video, please head over to Jimmie's blog, Tales of a Traveling Texan. It only makes sense to have a follow-up Tenacious D song. 

No way to title this but "eeeeeeeee!"

The other day I found myself in quite the predicament. There I was, listening to my aunt's sad voice on the phone explaining how she can no longer keep a dog that has been in the family since I was in high school, and all I could think about was how I had mentioned surprising Michael with a dog to his family, which did not turn out too well for me. When I aroused from these thoughts, the tone in my aunt's voice had changed. Then we both hung up, and I suddenly came to the realization that I had said yes.

Thank you motor functions. You really know how to stick it to my vampires.

Today started earlier than usual. I had a child leap on me at 6:50 am, two hours after the last time I had glanced at the clock and six hours before I had to be in San Antonio to pick up the doggie. You see, when you are watching a child that is not your own overnight in a house that does not belong to you, you tend to be jumpy, uptight, and anal about every sound that could signal a disturbance in the force. I woke up to the cat wheezing, thinking that the kiddo was crying. I woke up every hour, on the hour in the same fashion-- me rolling from the couch onto the floor in a frenzy of pure panic. When I finally managed to get a nap in, my phone buzzed, revealing a text message from Michael.

[4:48 am]
"Wow dream. I love you so much.
Please stop killing all the pandas in
my subconscious in that bunny suit!"

...

...

I...

...

...

What the fuck?

So yeah. Eventful night and morning. When the afternoon came, I found myself in a predicament of a more heinous nature. Charlie the weenie dog gets car sick, a detail I had forgotten until I was reminded ten minutes before my journey back to Canyon Lake. An hour drive. An hour. HOUR. Luckily he kept all of the fluids to himself and the car ride was a vomit free one. That didn't make it any less stressful though. With every yawn and every pant, I expected to be showered in liquidated biscuits.

Mom told me that shit cloud would take a break in 2011 to rest up for 2012. She was right. This year has been a great one so far. I have a dog, a cat, and a boyfriend in the military who just received news of his next station.

Drum-roll please!

Scroll down for effect.


































GALVESTON!

Could life give me anything more? Could I ever be more satisfied? Keep raining the goodness on me baby! Michael and I have been celebrating the news with frequent Skype chats, which is so nice after weeks of barely speaking when he was in EMT school. The conversation that took place today went a little something like this.

Me: Guess what I'm eating.

Mike: Cookies!

Me: With a fork Mike?

Mike: ...Why are you eating cookies with a fork?

I was eating S.O.S, FYI. The internet connection was not working in our favor today, but I managed to get this in:

Charlie, welcome to the family. And Michael, welcome to Texas! I can't wait for the two of you to meet.

I swear someone slipped something into my cereal this morning.

My mind and memory are running a mile a minute because I feel like I haven't spoken to you guys about what's been going on in my life and that is what a blog is about so technically I'm not fulfilling my duty as a blogger and I should be ashamed that I haven't talked about half of the things that have occurred since last weekend other than getting a computer virus which has totally been taken care of and what on Earth is up with me not talking about the fabulous party I was able to attend because my boss took my shift I need oxygen oh my God.

Yeah, I'm in one of those moods today.

So I am going to cover the minor details first, then we can move onto bigger and better things-- like penis cupcakes, T&A cookies that went horribly yet not so horribly wrong, and a few awards that have been bestowed upon me by a few friends in the blogging community. Firstly, the good news. I have made some real progress on the dialog in my musical and am searching for volunteers to run lines with me soon so I can hear the words out loud and tweak them into perfection. So there is that, and that makes me happy. I hope to be finished by the end of May. When I'm feeling optimistic, I aim for the day I go to see Mike's graduation in California, which is toward the middle of May. A week is a big difference. You can get a lot done in a week. (Or you can PLAN to get a lot done then slack off like I do.)

More good news! I aced my first American Literature Exam and my boyfriend overnighted two dozen tulips to me for Valentine's Day, which I'll get into on a whole separate post. It totally deserves a post of its own.

Now for the shit news. I just found out that I can't cram the rest of my mandatory classes into the remaining semesters before graduation next Spring, so it looks like I'll have to wait an extra semester or two before Michael and I can live together. I'm sure that will make his family very happy. So I suppose in a way it's a good thing. It's like I'm suffering, but sucking up at the same time. I'm losing and they are gaining, so technically I'm gaining...

Always a brighter side to being hated! (Insert dramatic sobbing sounds here)

Now for more mediocre news. I have 49674 writing projects that I'm working on. It is so difficult having so many writing projects that I can't really talk about other than brief updates like "worked on the book today" and "too lazy to finish the short story last night." I wish I could discuss the content of these projects, but a wise friend with expertise in situations of a similar nature advised against it. So, with all of my willpower, I am going to listen, because if I ever hope to be a good writer, I've got to earn to take advice from professionals. Oh come on, it's harder than you think. I'm a stubborn little shit and I get excited about what I write, so I like to share. My blog is a perfect example of this. But even if artistic thievery weren't an issue, I feel like if I gave too much away on here, I'd be jinxing myself in the long run. No one wants that, especially me.

Well okay. I could think of a few people who'd enjoy seeing me fail. Let's just leave that list alone.

Let's get happy again. I have a new link up top, a tab I never imagined getting so soon in the game. "Awards." It's plural guys. That means that there is more than one. That means that more than one person thinks that I'm super. I sch'wear to God I didn't award them to myself. I'm just sch'o popular.

Thanks to TOAR at Thoughts of a Randomista, Andres Rio from Good Music, Bad Math and Christine from The New Adventures of Christine for the collection of awards! This is belated, but no less full of gratitude and a plethora of love.

So apparently, to receive these awards, you must abide by some rules (that I am currently hunting down so bear with me). Christine says that I must tell five things about myself and mix in a few lies. That sounds easy enough. I HEREBY ACCEPT THESE AWARDS BY LYING TO MY READERS. Best condition ever.

1. I met my boyfriend online about five years ago. We've been dating for about nine months now.

2. I collect lawn gnomes.

3. I fractured my elbow and wrist dancing in a Chili's parking lot.

4. My co-worker bumped me into the display case at work and bruised my vaginal bone.

5. I took a bubble bath in a hot tub with my boss and co-workers.

One fact is indeed not a fact. It is a deceiver. Don't believe what it tells you.

Onto choosing three people to pass this lovely .gif onto!

1. @Thundercat: Hands down the easiest pick. I don't need to explain how full of awesome this chick is.

2. @Freeflying: From the start she supported me and stuck with me as I developed as a blogger. Since then, every time I fly to see Mike, I wonder if I'll run into her. One of my favorite bloggers by far.

3. @JRuud: My first friend on 20sb. This girl lights up my life with her attitude. I see rainbows and sunshine after I read her cheery posts.

Dun dun DUN!

...God, I must have way too much sugar in my system. I'll post pictures from the party when I'm less of a spaz and more of a regular functioning human being. Of course it would also make sense to have the camera/memory card on me. Which I don't. I am so unprepared and too hyper to care. I totally just rhymed.

Love overload. And viruses too.

Then... At midnight...

...my heart exploded. And so did Michael's news feed. And everyone else's.

Then!

And Michael, being Michael, decided that in retaliation to overdosing on love songs, he'd spam me right back.

And so he did. Then something unexpected happened.

So I clicked it, expecting something romantic on the other side of the link.

Thanks for the virus baby. Happy Valentine's Day.

Thursdays

I'm sitting by the window one of my favorite places in San Marcos because Thursdays offer me enough free time to explore the hot spots here. It's so peaceful watching people meander by, subjects of the beautiful sunlight that's finally showed its face after a week of being stifled by the weather. I find myself the most inspired here in this haven of berets, mocha lattes, local art and vegan appetites. Here, by this window, time slows and I'm able to revel in it.

I thought when I was creating my schedule for the semester that if I set up my classes ten minutes apart the day would go by faster. Now, though I got what I wished for, I want to slow down. I want to be able to have the time to wander around campus between classes, give my rear end muscles a break, breathe in the fresh air and explore downtown-- maybe even fit in time for a cup of coffee. I am a woman of many paces, but I am starting to discover that maybe I should stop rushing through life and just sit back for the ride. Or maybe I'm just never satisfied.

That doesn't always have to be a bad thing though.

The moment my life turns in one direction, I want to have the option to stray, even if I choose not to do so. There's a sense of being limitless that way. But when I have to adapt to a strict schedule with no room for moments like these, where I can just stop for a second and marvel at life, I feel suffocated.

That is why I am so grateful for Thursdays. One class in the morning, work at night. The whole town is my playground and I have hours to use up just sitting around, soaking it all in. Inspiration travels with me this way.

Time to work on the musical.

Good things must come in pairs.

I guess with the change in weather came too a change in luck. But I will get to that in a moment. Last night was one of the best I've had since being in Alaska. It is hard to compete with hanging out with a bunch of drunken sailors everyday, but last night held its own and is up there with the big leagues.

The night started like any regular night with shitty weather. The Stratosphere Lounge was as empty as my bed every night. (OH. Unexpected stab in the heart much, Jess?) I don't mind a vacant building much when I open shop because I don't get tips with that shift. The slower it is, the less I have to clean. It gives me the freedom to prance around, give the mid-shift a hard time, and be loud and obnoxious. This night is a perfect example of what can happen when business is slow, and that example is just mediocre. I am capable of being much worse. I get ornery when there are no customers to attend to, which was the situation last night.

Life is on my mind

Day 8 (but not really day 8): A moment you felt most satisfied with your life.

I strangely find this a difficult question to answer, mostly because I experience a sense of satisfaction, though many are fleeting, everyday. Sometimes it occurs when I wake up, sometimes it occurs just before falling asleep. Most times the satisfaction finds me on my trips to and from school. Driving on the country roads that overlook the hill country really give me a chance to reflect on what I have.

I have a loving boyfriend

I have a supporting family

I am doing well in school and graduate next year

I am crazy about my job and coworkers.

I have already started writing, even if it is for myself, it's still something!

I have more than I could ever ask for. Though I frequently complain about the downfalls of each and everyday, I am still fortunate and incredibly happy with my life. I am not claiming that every aspect of my existence is or was picture perfect, but I most certainly will say with confidence that I am very satisfied with how things are working out for me. It will be better when I graduate. Then I can start traveling. If life's amazing now, imagine how it'll be when I am with Mike?! God, I can't wait to graduate and get the Hell out of here.

Oh! There I go again. I'm totally happy. Compleeetely satisfied.

Day One: Me & Michael

Firstly, in reference to the BIG FAT LIE on my previous post, I am sorry that I did not start the challenge yesterday as promised. I passed out while watching Red Forman hate on Eric. What's new?

So here we go.

Day One of Super Awesome Challenge:
"Describe your current relationship. If single, describe how single life is."

As most of my avid readers know already, I am in a relationship with a Coastie who is currently studying in Petaluma, CA to become an EMT. What all of you do not know is how our relationship came to be. The story is messy, chaotic, and as some say, "could totally be a romance novel." I agree with all of these descriptions. But it is easier to round the five years we spent as friends online into a few words. The difficult part is really spelling it out for people who do not understand the dynamics of meeting people virtually. It is scary as Hell and can really warp your sense of who is person is and who you fantasize them to be.

The difference is that when I met Michael online, he was everything I had already fantasized the man of my dreams to be: intelligent, relaxed, understanding, mysterious, charming, and compassionate. I say mysterious because I don't want him to give everything away on day one, but meeting someone online? Well, it comes with the territory. Then again, how can you truly know someone online? Well, at first, I really didn't. But the more we talked the more we opened up to one another. God, did I fall hard.

But what can I say? He lived in New York and I was a Texan girl still working on graduating high school.

We both found relationships elsewhere, but remained good friends... with a lot of tension remaining between us. I won't discuss the nature of the tension, but let's just say that eventually, it made being in a relationship with someone else very difficult for the both of us. (Not THAT kind of tension, perverts.)

It was a rotten situation for all sides and it was unfair for my boyfriend at the time, but the realization that I deserved better was gifted to me by his actions, not my own. It is hard to stay true to oneself while staying true to another, but I managed to do so successfully until the relationship that I was involved in collapsed in on itself years later. It was then, though I was devastated, that I found it easier to decider the code in my head that disguised what (or in this case, WHO) I was really made for and who was made for me.

Last March we both found ourselves available, and it was then, after all of the waiting, that he decided that enough was enough. During all of the years we spent apart, Michael enlisted in the Coast Guard and was sent to Homer, Alaska for a two year period of buoy tending. And let me tell you, it's not an easy job guys. But he still made time for me, a whole week of leave to be exact. He bought me a plane ticket to fly up there so we could finally know. There was doubt, this fear that maybe we were fooling ourselves. But I was most vulnerable to the even scarier thought of never knowing. I was also still in pieces from the previous and fresh break up.

The moment I saw him was like the moment on the ice in the movie Serendipity. Oh yeah. I found my soul mate kids. What makes me giddy is knowing that this is just the beginning.

Hope in the midst of educational disaster

So you would think that returning to college after a semester off would be stressful enough, right? Oh ho ho, my blog viewers. Oh ho ho... no. You have no idea. You see, I was in Alaska when class registration occurred. It was also during registration that I was experiencing the brief mindset that returning to Texas State for a semester before transferring would be a waste of time and money since I wasn't sure if all of my credits would carry over. So, I have decided that returning when I am so close to graduating anyway would be the better option, especially after being provided with a piece of paper that showed me just how close I really am to walking the stage. And God knows that I just want to get my freakin' degree already.

Late registration was this morning at exactly eight a.m. I woke up, snatched my laptop, and logged in online to search for open classes.

(Background information: I thought that registration was yesterday so when I got up to search for open classes I discovered that all the classes that I need are full up. Closed. Unavailable. Out of reach. Shit cloud hath returneth.)

This morning one class had suddenly opened up. I assume someone had dropped the course or God had bestowed upon me the gift of me not wanting to tear my own hair out. Now, I usually do background checks on my professors on http://blog.ratemyprofessors.com/, but at first glance, I knew I had hit jackpot. The professor was my essay writing instructor during freshman year. He is and was by far the most inspiring, influential, and encouraging teachers I have ever had. Period.

...which means that today was better than I had expected. I am going to have to fight with my claws extended to get into the rest of these mandatory courses, but at least at the start of every Monday and Wednesday I'll be with someone that really made my major interesting. Not many people find professors like that. Not many professors like that exist.

You can park there any time you like Mr. UPS Man

I thought today was going to be normal-- more like "semi-okay" with a moment of clumsiness and maybe a piece of bad news. On normal days I end up with bruises and self-esteem issues. Here is a list of things that happened which led me to believe that today was going to follow this pattern.

I fell into the toilet.

The water in my apartment looked like milk when I poured a glass this morning.

My blinds broke.

My curtain rod broke. Again.

There was mouse poop in my pantry.

My parking spot was blocked by a UPS truck.

Little did I know, when I was parking in the guest lot that was further away mumbling about the stupid UPS man,  he was bringing me something that would make each of the previously stated downfalls of my day insignificant. When I walked up the stairs to my apartment, there sat a box with my name on it. Now keep in mind, I was still in a bad mood, so I immediately thought that it was a bomb or some other object that would cause my demise. However, when I opened it, there were flowers inside. Flowers that were overnighted by Mike. It's funny how an unexpected gesture like that can shine light on a dark day. 

Love you Michael.

I think you get the metaphor.