A Dilemma We All Face Unless We Marry Rich

We all experience the ongoing mayhem in our brains that is induced by the question: "What am I going to do with my life?" The question itself sounds simple enough, but not only is this a question of money; it's a question that society deems necessary to answer as soon as possible. Also, there is a new development that not many people consider, but makes answering said question all the more difficult.

"What am I going to do with my life that will pay rent and will make me happy?"

It's easy to spout out answers when you're young because happiness is an everyday occurrence when you're innocent and don't have to pay any bills. When you're young, you think about occupations that sound fun at the time, and hang onto them until you get bored with the idea of being a fire truck or a police dog. You move onto more standard jobs, like being a doctor or a teacher. Then, when you are old enough to realize that just picking something because it sounds cool isn't practical, and you are forced to really consider the job description that best suits you as a person, as well as your wallet- well- it's not fun anymore.



I am twenty-one-years-old and have a degree in nothing. I started this blog with a haughty post describing my ambitions as an English major, and yet here I am: no degree, no job, no fulfillment.

Don't get me wrong, I am on cloud nine being engaged to Mr. Right, I really am, but I was raised with a sense of independence that is so embedded in my brain that it's hard to let go because it's a part of who I am. It whispers to me late in the night when I'm contemplating my credit card bill, making it hard to sleep. It summons a crippling guilt whenever Michael pays for the groceries, or buys me the pretty dress I couldn't keep my eyes off of. It punches me right in my lady gut when I see my high school graduation photo hanging slumped to one side over my Mom's desk. I see the ambition so clearly in my 17-year-old eyes, and I feel like I've failed that girl.

Here is my frantic timeline:

Elementary School
Music Teacher

Middle School
Archaeologist
Author
Comic artist

High School
Zoologist
English teacher

University
English Teacher
Author

Drop Out

Author
Nurse
Bar Owner
Real estate Agent
Web Designer
Comic Store Owner
Etsy Store Owner
House Wife
Secretary
...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHH!

This battle has been going on for years now, because honestly, I can't find a single interest of mine that alone defines me. I love to write, create, help people, feel good at the end of the day, interact, and would one day like to have a big family. I like to be in charge of myself and work at a pace that fits me. How am I supposed to fit all of these aspects of my personality into one field?!

Well, one day, I found myself doing what I usually do when I grow bored of my surroundings: I rearranged furniture and organized the shelves until I felt like I was living somewhere else for a while.

"That looks really good." Michael said, examining the room.

"You always say that," I responded. I don't deserve the man.

"No really, I think I like this the best. I like the empty wine bottles and glasses on the shelf over the fireplace like that, and the book shelf looks more organized now."

Conversations like this happen often and lead into further conversations about the use of space, color, energy and utility. I can look through interior design magazines for hours, and Mike doesn't even mind when I drag his attention to a particular arrangement and talk about projects I'd like to do around the house and little tricks I've seen pinned on Pinterest that I can't get out of my mind. I could spend the rest of my life residing within the walls of Ikea.

Interior design has been a hobby of mine since my Mom introduced to me the prospect of changing my room every few years for a new, fresh beginning.

That's how I feel when I buy a vase for the side table, or rearrange picture frames, or look at color schemes online: fresh. It's always been an escape mechanism of mine for when the world outside of my home seems too overwhelming; I take charge of the miniature world that is my apartment. After a bad day, all I have to do is move the wine rack to a different side of the bar and fluff up the pillows, and I suddenly find myself ready to conquer cities. It makes me feel inspired and alive. It's a hobby that completely relies on my creativity to thrive.

Since then, I've been seriously considering this field of study for when I return to school. It incorporates my love of color, design, creativity, and may someday even help people. As for the writing? I smell a side blog project possibility.

J-Roll's Departing Gift: A Fresh Start

It's been a long time... and I'm sorry to have left everyone behind as I made that journey everyone takes to find themselves. This year was my time to do that. To all of my dedicated readers that stood by me as I laughed, cried and ranted, thank you. It would be incredible if I could somehow repay you guys for giving me what you did earlier this year. I sincerely mean that I love you and still keep up with your blogs when time is allowed.

I'm in a good place. Michael and I are finally living together and have been for six months now. We are very much in love and are very happy. Finally, right?

It took moving in with him to discover what I wanted outside of wanting to be close to him. It was eye opening.

I swore off this blog for a variety of reasons, and those of you who are close to me understood the situation and continued to encourage my writing and my blogging. I will say though that this blog has served its purpose for me, and that is why I have to leave it how it is: a memoir of what life was like being thousands of miles away from the person I loved. It helped me cope when I was in dire need of coping. It helped me laugh when I wanted to cry. It helped me give clarity to confusing situations. It reawakened my passion for writing and led me to a community of writers and bloggers that I hope to remain a part of for a long time.

I am happy to announce that I now have a new project: Mike and I started a blog together! As you may know, we both met through our writing, so it only makes sense to continue to do so while together. We both are really embracing it, and I think this may be a permanent part of our lives.

If you are interested in checking out my new blog, I recommend reading the introductory post first before you commit. It's not for everyone, but it is a humor blog about a new rising culture. Introducing The Couch Dwellers! It's kind of nerdy guys.

Again, thanks to everyone who followed me, believed in me, and listened to what I had to say. You were the glue that held me together. Hopefully you'll stick around for the happy parts.

This is J-Roll, signing off.

Not so underestimated... and some karaoke too.

This year I have discovered something.

It doesn't matter if other people have faith in what you are doing, it only matters if you have faith in yourself and your capacity to create. The ability to portray thoughts and ideas through language, a collection of words with individual meanings, is beautiful to me and should not be dictated by the approval of others. I am tired of hosting a blog with a title the defines my insecurities. Fuck it. I'm strong. I believe in myself and what it is that I can share with the world. So what if people don't take me seriously? I do!

...sometimes. That is why I am changing my blog title very soon, because I am ready to move onto the next stage of my life, and that stage does not involve me focusing on what holds me down. Yay revelations! And to start actively participating in this new state of mind, I have decided to join in on one of the internet's most kick ass traditions.

THE KARAOKE RING OF DEATH IS UPON US!

When I found out who I got to post, I nearly had a wine-gasm.

Wine-gasm: An occurrence that often takes place after downing one or more glasses of wine during a moment of pure joy or ecstasy.

I have the pleasure of hosting longroadset's video in celebration of this month's theme "Drunk" karaoke. I assume that since the song does not involve the words "booze", "liquor", or "whiskey", the chick's got it in her system. I can't tell. She sounds DAY'UM good for being intoxicate. Get it girl!

If you would like to take a peek at my video, please head over to Jimmie's blog, Tales of a Traveling Texan. It only makes sense to have a follow-up Tenacious D song. 

Vampires DON'T sparkle

The closer I get to finishing this musical, the closer I get to the reality of whether or not it is going to take me places. Sometimes I find myself awake at night because of insecurities that eat away at me until I settle on the idea of giving up and getting a different, realistic hobby. Like... um...

Okay. So I'm not really good at anything else. I've been told that I can sing, but that is just as unrealistic as convincing myself that I can make it in this world with my ideas alone. But they are really good ideas. At least I think they are, until those insecurities creep up on me again and try to convince me that I am wasting my time and should just settle on something easier, like a steady paying job. But that's no fun. I don't mind being a starving artist. I don't care about how much money I pocket from these projects. I just want to have my ideas and stories out in the world for people to enjoy. I cannot express to you enough how much of a struggle it is for me to keep all of these ideas and stories in my head. Eventually I am going to run out of room because everything seems to have the potential to be inspiration for a story. But sometimes insecurities outweigh inspiration.

Recently I found out that Michael's Mom thinks that my writing is mediocre, nothing special. Along with my previous demons, those words played in repetitions in my mind and weighed down on my shoulders as I continued to push myself to work on these projects. The more they beat on my confidence, the more it showed in my content. I was discouraged, and even contemplated giving up on my blog. I had let the devil on my shoulder win, which makes me think about all of the writers with potential out there who let their demons take hold of them. How many books weren't published because some writer stopped before finishing? How many poems? How many works of art have I not seen because someone's demons silenced their creativity?

That's when the angel on my shoulder stepped in. She called these insecurities "vampires." They'd suck away my confidence and leave me bled dry of what made me, well, me.

Thank you Bloggess.

Since listening to this song, I've really made progress on the musical. The vampires still lurk outside of my door, but I'm well equipped with garlic and crucifixes. I assume they won't be returning to haunt me anytime soon. Die Vampire Die!

So I've come to one conclusion. Vampires DO NOT sparkle. YOU do when you overcome them.

Thursdays

I'm sitting by the window one of my favorite places in San Marcos because Thursdays offer me enough free time to explore the hot spots here. It's so peaceful watching people meander by, subjects of the beautiful sunlight that's finally showed its face after a week of being stifled by the weather. I find myself the most inspired here in this haven of berets, mocha lattes, local art and vegan appetites. Here, by this window, time slows and I'm able to revel in it.

I thought when I was creating my schedule for the semester that if I set up my classes ten minutes apart the day would go by faster. Now, though I got what I wished for, I want to slow down. I want to be able to have the time to wander around campus between classes, give my rear end muscles a break, breathe in the fresh air and explore downtown-- maybe even fit in time for a cup of coffee. I am a woman of many paces, but I am starting to discover that maybe I should stop rushing through life and just sit back for the ride. Or maybe I'm just never satisfied.

That doesn't always have to be a bad thing though.

The moment my life turns in one direction, I want to have the option to stray, even if I choose not to do so. There's a sense of being limitless that way. But when I have to adapt to a strict schedule with no room for moments like these, where I can just stop for a second and marvel at life, I feel suffocated.

That is why I am so grateful for Thursdays. One class in the morning, work at night. The whole town is my playground and I have hours to use up just sitting around, soaking it all in. Inspiration travels with me this way.

Time to work on the musical.

Bliss before the storm

I often think back on the moment I decided that I would transfer schools to be closer to Michael. That whole week, there had been this proposal for me to move to Alaska weighing down on my shoulders and I had spent the entirety of that week identifying the pros and cons of said proposal. I had told Michael that I couldn't do it and I named off every excuse in the book with ease. But then I would return to the subject the very next day because it had never truly been put to rest in my mind. The idea persistently poked and prodded at me, even when I thought that I had finally made up my mind. The reason that it bothered me so much to say no was because it was actually possible for me to go.

It just not practical, realistic or a smart choice to make.

Prepare to be spammed, blog.

I am here to announce to the world/internet that I am about to attempt what most buzzed, highly distracted, and chat room immersed young adults, like myself, consider to be the unthinkable. I am going to do my homework (I don't have class tomorrow so that makes me an overachiever) and catch up on the many blog topics that I have yet to post because I have been too busy being lazy chatting on 20sb. Can you tell that I am feeling productive today?

Plus, I actually feel like I've let my readers and myself down for not keeping to the challenge, so I figure now is a great time to commit to something I've already committed to, and what better way to do so by starting with the topic I have been dreading all week? Let the religious talk commence!

(Deep breath)
Day whatever: Your views on religion.

Honestly, I don't think I am ready to even be honest with myself about my own views. I am at a stage in my life where talking to someone or something that I feel has never heard my prayers in the first place is a little ridiculous. However, my want to believe in something is very strong. I expect that with time, I will find myself comfortable with a set of beliefs that suit me. Either I have to search for it or the faith will be delivered to me instead. Right now, I am more focused on finding myself and believing in myself.

If their is a God, I'm sure He is patient and will wait for me as I have been waiting for him. We just have to find one another at the right moment. Right now is not that moment.

I still get a sense of wonder and respect when I enter a church, and surprisingly, the feeling gives me hope that perhaps God never left me. I lose that hope during prayer though. I feel empty and even look forward to the Amen so I can stop pretending that I am speaking with God. I have not and never have experienced any connection with Him. When people tell me to thank God for my success and for what I have, I think to myself, "But I worked for these things, not him." Why give credit to something that has never seemed to help me before? As a step to being honest with myself, I have to admit that for a while I believed that religion as a whole was kind of silly. Now I crave a sense of spiritual direction and faith. I am tired of believing that you only have yourself in the end. I am just afraid that if I do end up believing in something, I'll just be let down and feel more alone than I had before.

For a long time I've followed blindly in the shadow of my family's faith because I feared that if I strayed, I would be looked at as the different one, the one that they all had to save from the flames. I didn't want all eyes on me and if all eyes ever were on me, I would hope that it would be for something they could be proud of me for.

But in the end, I guess what they have chosen to believe and what I choose to believe should not depend on or dictate the other. I just want to be at peace with this. Until then, I'm agnostic like I have been since high school, because humans all need labels and I'm sure whoever created this damn challenge had a label implied when they asked about our views on religion.

...And now I resent you challenge. Curse you for making me be honest with myself! I am going to finish you just to spite you!

Nonexistent, yet somewhat existent New Year's resolutions

It's almost 2011 here in Spring Branch, Texas. I think that a post is necessary, even considering the amounts of alcohol I've consumed during an intense game of Monopoly. Sad thing is, I promise never again to post while intoxicated. I can't believe that my folks kicked my ass. It's a great way to start off the new year isn't it? Losing millions of fake currency, meanwhile downing glass after glass of wine because I can't handle the loss? Sore loser much? Yeah, this most certainly says something about the New Year.

BANKRUPTCY!

To be honest, I am excited for the new year. It may be all in my head, but I think that 2011 will bring me new and better opportunities- new and better things in general. I have this feeling deep down that shit cloud is going to take a looooooong vacation. I mean, come on. 2012 is  around the corner and shit cloud is going to need to save up its energy for future destruction, don't you think? I may as well relax the year previous to the end of the world, right?

Update: Dad owes Mom 10 million dollars.

I've been contemplating what my new year's resolutions should be and I have arrived at a well thought out conclusion (because the only awesome ideas I've come up with develop in my head while intoxicated). I think that contemplating resolutions is a waste of time. I have learned throughout the duration of 2010 that sometimes, even when you plan to do something, no matter the importance, life intervenes. Life often plays a losing hand. When time passes, you tend to want different things than you wanted before. Everything changes and not in increments of a year. Everything is unpredictable.

I guess that you could argue that even with life's frequent interventions, you still have control of your own actions. I agree completely. But three months from now, I may not want exactly what I want right now. What it bares down to is this: I want to be a better person. Every year I wish the same thing and every year I've accomplished it. I am not perfect. Never will I be perfect. But I strive to learn from what I experience. I strive to make mistakes. This year was full of them. I should be thankful for that. I cannot be better without the necessary mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities, open doors.

Update: Game is still going. Houses and hotels everywhere.


I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I have no idea where I'll be in 2011 and I have no idea what I'll want. I just know that everyday should be lived to the fullest, and that is what I intend to do. I suppose that is a resolution in of itself.


Welcome 2011! Happy New Year!

Update: Dad's losing.

( Feel free to check out my Blog-uh-duh-Month. Congrats Denise! )

When life gives you lemons, don't sit on your ass and stare at them

Why is it that awesome ideas for blog posts and creative ways to start them off flash in my head before I fall asleep? Because due to their unfortunate timing, and since I am never motivated to write anything down, what happens when I wake up? POOF! Gone. All of them, all of the fantastic things that I wanted to say disappear because I have the memory of a pot head. I'm just upset that I could have written something super awesome on here and now I can't even remember what I wanted to say.

So here I sit, scrambling to find something to talk about when all I've done today is paint my nails, watch movies, and sit around on my ass eating. I am living a dull and uninteresting life here because I've been hiding from reality since I've returned from New York. I have got to get out of this house and do something with myself, because if I don't, I will never have any decent posts to share with the lot of you. Ever. And that would be sad.

BUT YOU ALL ARE SO HARD TO PLEASE!

So it's new goal time. By the end of the day, I will have something to talk about-- something other than me complaining that I have nothing to talk about. I mean, if your life isn't full of great material, what kind of life are you living anyway, right?

Pills just aren't enough

Being sick seriously blows when I have been programmed to believe that all of the pills in the medicine cabinet are supposed to help me. Well, they don't, and the ones that might ease the pain I, of course, can't get my hands on because I need a prescription. Vicodin, sweet Vicodin, why are you so out of reach when I need you the most?

Then there's the time consuming necessity of reading all of the warning labels and paying attention to how many doses I can take, how many I shouldn't take within 24 hours, what I should consult my doctor about, all of the possible side effects, etc. It's all just an endless hassle that I go through to take these pills that barely even work for me. Most are temporary relief anyway. 

It's like brain voodoo. You think that they are going to help you, so the moment you swallow you immediately feel better. Because I am beyond that and I no longer trust these misleading remedies, they no longer work for me. Maybe I'm giving myself a headache by thinking of these things. Maybe there is nothing out there for self-inflicted headaches. Shit.

I recently heard a story from a friend about a coworker of theirs that had cancer. There wasn't much hope for him and the cancer began to take it's toll on his mind and body. He began to wither away from his previous, active self. Then he made a decision to try another method. Obviously the chemotherapy wasn't helping and the prescriptions they had given him weren't giving him any hope.

The man has been cancer free for almost a year now if I remember correctly, all because he began to experiment with natural remedies to ease the pain and work with the ailments that were occurring within him that were reactions from the cancer. He consumed seaweed shakes and all sorts of "nastiness", as my friend recalled, that would contribute to his health. And it worked.

I am officially motivated to go to a bookstore and purchase a big book of natural remedies, and I can't wait to get started. Sorry House, I choose the seaweed shake.

Google likes Ingrid too!

I have discovered something incredibly magical today. Like, unicorn magical.

It does not matter what utter chaos has made itself available to you, even if it involves a mass quantity of tears or even one of those moments you find absolutely humiliating but the rest of the world finds hysterical. Yes, when the whole world is laughing at you. That bad. Well this is a guaranteed fixer-upper. Go to Pandora.com and create an Ingrid Michaelson playlist. No song has ever summoned my Zen mode before. I wasn't even aware that I had a Zen mode, but it was summoned. Listen to it. I highly recommend it on a bad day. I saw rainbows.

I mean, my day wasn't horrible. My good friend Nick stopped by at 8:00 a.m to drop off some boxes so I could start my packing, which took place later when my bed and the idea of sleep was less appealing. It turns out that it is going to take much more than 4 big boxes to pack just my books. And I was so optimistic that the apartment would start to look empty by the end of this week. That's not going to happen unless H.E.B ships their leftover boxes to me every night for a month. This is going to take a while. (Huff) Later on I received a text that Mike caught a bug from another guy on the boat. Our conversation:

Mike: I'm sick.
Me: What? How?
Mike: Probably from Rob. Jack hole gave me the stomach bug.
Me: Drink liquids!
Mike: Bluh. Liquids. Okay...
Me: (a few minutes later) And beer does not count.
Mike: BUT... BUT...
Me: Don't argue!

I will never understand man logic and I won't try to for I am too enamored by my unicorn music to care about that right now.

FYI, this is what shows up on Google Search when you type in "unicorn music." My night has been made.

Some Things Never Change

I have been friends with these girls for almost ten years and I still haven't grown out of making that face when everyone gathers together for a group picture, which is a rarity these days. When I leave, I will no longer be a part of those pictures, if they ever do happen in my absence. So I am going to take the time to write something to these girls who have been the glue that held me together for so long.

Do not ever lose your love for one another, no matter how much you have to tolerate or stress about. It is hard maturing into a different person while maintaining friendships with people who are changing too. Interests conflict, point of views shift, lifestyles alter. Sometimes we are so different it is hard to relate to people who helped define your childhood. But that feeling of closeness always returns with a "remember when?" So even if life leads you elsewhere, even if separating yourself is necessary for the sake of your sanity, never lose that love. I can't claim to be able to count our arguments on one hand. Some seem stupid now. But in the end, when the feud dies, we always go back to how we were: friends. Even after threats have been made and lines have been crossed.

No matter how long we go without speaking, you will be my bridesmaids, you will be the people that I call when I am starting my family, the girls that I cry to when I miss my sailor, my backing if things take a turn for the worst. Always. But if you let that love slip away, that gift that comes so rare these days will be lost to you. Friendship is so fleeting. So is love. We have both.

I guess I need to buy some sweaters

Okay, it is mature adult decision making time! Which is funny because most people might find this, well, rather childish. But I'm stubborn, so I refuse to accept it as anything but a good, healthy, mature decision on my part.

I... am going to Alaska. I am taking a leave of absence at my job. I am moving my shit out of my apartment. I am giving my cat to my parents too, which is the only real temporary portion of the process. (I think.) Then I'm hopping on the next plane to Homer. Mike was very persuasive on the phone last night.

Until, of course, he mentioned the cold, and the darkness, and the fact that I have to learn how to drive his truck Chief which can barely make it up hills and stalls out from time to time, which I have to learn while ALSO learning how to drive through snow and ice. Oh Jesus what am I doing?

Love can make you do crazy shit.