Bliss before the storm

I often think back on the moment I decided that I would transfer schools to be closer to Michael. That whole week, there had been this proposal for me to move to Alaska weighing down on my shoulders and I had spent the entirety of that week identifying the pros and cons of said proposal. I had told Michael that I couldn't do it and I named off every excuse in the book with ease. But then I would return to the subject the very next day because it had never truly been put to rest in my mind. The idea persistently poked and prodded at me, even when I thought that I had finally made up my mind. The reason that it bothered me so much to say no was because it was actually possible for me to go.

It just not practical, realistic or a smart choice to make.

But I realized that I am twenty and I should be willing to take a chance and make "stupid" decisions. I should be willing to do things that others may object to when they ultimately make me happy. Your twenties are your "you" time, aren't they? Where you discover yourself and what you want? I am fortunate enough to already know what I want, and that is Michael. So I forced the words out through the brick wall of fears I had constructed over years of playing it safe, and I said, "I will figure something out." And I did. God, did I.

Never, throughout the duration of my life, will I ever want to take back my experiences in Alaska. That month is something that Mike and I will reminisce in all the way into our years of Bengay and Poligrip.

You see, Michael is in H.S school right now training to be a medic and it is very time consuming. We don't get to talk as often as I would like, but I manage to stay supportive and distract myself with my own devices. Not only is his knowledge being tested, but all of his limits are being pushed too. It makes the distance even more difficult to cope with on both ends. So when we manage to find time to speak to one another, we try to fill in the gaps with as many things as we can manage. Both of us spent some time reflecting on the choices that we could have made earlier this year, and we both made it clear that we miss being together, on our own. We miss that sense of freedom, seeing one another everyday.

I don't know how the conversation drifted in this direction, but we ended up discussing how his Mother felt about me. The topic had me staring off into space at the bottom of the bathtub for thirty minutes after the call had come to an end. She thinks many things about me, all that I am aware of and they all keep me awake at night. Sometimes I find myself too involved with the echo of her words ringing in my head than my desire to sleep, no matter how pressing.

"Jessica needs to go home Michael. The family doesn't like that she's here Michael. You are both moving too fast Michael. Neither of you are being responsible Michael. You still love Jill, don't you Michael? She is using you for your money Michael. You are only a rebound after her last relationship Michael. She doesn't take school seriously Michael. I don't care if she can hear me Michael! Her writing is nothing special Michael! Yes I read her blog Michael. You're a better writer Michael. She's over dramatic Michael. She stole my moment with you Michael. She had no right to talk about that moment Michael! Yes I feel justified for not saying goodbye when she left Michael!"

I never imagined myself in this position. When I was in New York, I thought that things were going well. I felt a closeness to his Mother that would be hard to describe after hearing and contemplating the words which had blindsided me in December and now. I don't know where I stand in the family. Am I the girlfriend they resent? Am I THAT girl? I don't want to be that girl. What will happen when Mike and I move in together? What happens when we go to New York again? How do I even look these people in the eyes without crying?

"Distance has opened my eyes" he says. I guess sometimes you just need time to take a step back and observe your memories to discover things about them, discover things about yourself.

The only thing I've discovered is that I can't make Mike's family like me. They formulated their own opinions, no matter how hard I tried to seem worthy of their son. The more I think about what his Mom had said, the more I feel unworthy of him. I look at my future degree and at my writing projects, and they seem so much less significant. Maybe I'm not talented. Maybe I'm nothing special. Maybe they will never love me like I want them to love me.

It is times like these where I take shelter in what Mike and I had in Alaska. If they could only see how his face lit up when he got home and I was there waiting for him. I wish they could have smelled the freshness of his house when I cleaned it for him. I wish they could have seen how tightly we held hands everywhere we went together. If only they heard how hard we laughed at our inside jokes. I wish they could have witnessed how much I give and am willing to give to their son, and how much I plan to give him in the future. I wish they knew how fiercely we love one another. Then again, I'm not sure even that would be enough.

I guess I should just toss up my hands and see how things go. We have decided to hold off on moving in together so I can finish getting my degree. I won't be a brain surgeon, I won't be an astrophysicist, or a technical genius of any sort, but I will have taken another step to becoming a better writer. And in the end, Michael and I will be together, with or without the approval of his family.

...But the approval would be nice. I'll just think back to November, the month of bliss before the storm.