Prepare to be spammed, blog.

I am here to announce to the world/internet that I am about to attempt what most buzzed, highly distracted, and chat room immersed young adults, like myself, consider to be the unthinkable. I am going to do my homework (I don't have class tomorrow so that makes me an overachiever) and catch up on the many blog topics that I have yet to post because I have been too busy being lazy chatting on 20sb. Can you tell that I am feeling productive today?

Plus, I actually feel like I've let my readers and myself down for not keeping to the challenge, so I figure now is a great time to commit to something I've already committed to, and what better way to do so by starting with the topic I have been dreading all week? Let the religious talk commence!

(Deep breath)
Day whatever: Your views on religion.

Honestly, I don't think I am ready to even be honest with myself about my own views. I am at a stage in my life where talking to someone or something that I feel has never heard my prayers in the first place is a little ridiculous. However, my want to believe in something is very strong. I expect that with time, I will find myself comfortable with a set of beliefs that suit me. Either I have to search for it or the faith will be delivered to me instead. Right now, I am more focused on finding myself and believing in myself.

If their is a God, I'm sure He is patient and will wait for me as I have been waiting for him. We just have to find one another at the right moment. Right now is not that moment.

I still get a sense of wonder and respect when I enter a church, and surprisingly, the feeling gives me hope that perhaps God never left me. I lose that hope during prayer though. I feel empty and even look forward to the Amen so I can stop pretending that I am speaking with God. I have not and never have experienced any connection with Him. When people tell me to thank God for my success and for what I have, I think to myself, "But I worked for these things, not him." Why give credit to something that has never seemed to help me before? As a step to being honest with myself, I have to admit that for a while I believed that religion as a whole was kind of silly. Now I crave a sense of spiritual direction and faith. I am tired of believing that you only have yourself in the end. I am just afraid that if I do end up believing in something, I'll just be let down and feel more alone than I had before.

For a long time I've followed blindly in the shadow of my family's faith because I feared that if I strayed, I would be looked at as the different one, the one that they all had to save from the flames. I didn't want all eyes on me and if all eyes ever were on me, I would hope that it would be for something they could be proud of me for.

But in the end, I guess what they have chosen to believe and what I choose to believe should not depend on or dictate the other. I just want to be at peace with this. Until then, I'm agnostic like I have been since high school, because humans all need labels and I'm sure whoever created this damn challenge had a label implied when they asked about our views on religion.

...And now I resent you challenge. Curse you for making me be honest with myself! I am going to finish you just to spite you!