"I’m a fairly normal teenage girl. Sure, I write two blogs and am abnormally obsessed with the Internet, but mainly I do normal teenage girl things. I like shopping, I like doing makeup, I go to dances and rock out to Top 40 in cocktail dresses from Forever 21. I’m an artist, too – right now my room looks like a whirlwind of creativity has hit it, as I’m currently working on drawing portraits on massive pieces of posterboard. (It’s a mad fun project, by the way.) I like to stay up late and spend time with people I care about. Long walks with my girlfriend are one of my favorite things in life.
….Woah. Woah. Rewind there, kiddo. Girlfriend?!?!?
Yes, girlfriend. It’s okay -- when I came out of the closet at sixteen, everyone reacted in a similar fashion. “You’re… GAY?” they asked, jaws hanging to their hipbones, memories of my previous slough of boyfriends dancing through their minds. In fact, when my first girlfriend and I broke up, people were quick to assume that it had been a phase. Now I could go back to dating boys, right?
The past year of my life has been a crazy ride. My coming out one-year anniversary was in the beginning of February 2012, and on that day I toasted the stars with a cup of coffee, thanking the universe that I had managed to be honest. With myself. With my family. With my church. With my friends. With the community.
If anyone tells you that coming out is easy, they’re probably as delusional as you are for believing them. It isn’t. During February and March of 2011, I probably cried more times than I had in the entire previous year. I lost friends – gained them back – and lost them again, when they realized I was serious. I skipped a lot of school to sit at home and mope. It was a kind of miserable period in my life that played out amazingly well, after a good thre-hundred-sixty-five day incubation period.
How’d I get through? I became a master at coping strategies. Previously, I had been a girl who was famous for coping with bad times in even worse ways, but after coming out I decided that it was high time I should respect myself. Reading good blogs, starting my own blog, dressing up on a daily basis, making an effort to leave the house more days than I didn’t, and keeping involved with my schoolwork made al the difference. Yes, it turned out that I became addicted to writing online, but there are worse addictions I could have. At least it’s healthy, right?
I think a large part of the shift was that I realized I had done something for myself -- something that many other people disagreed with even! – and that if I was good enough for that, I was good enough to brush my hair, put on a smile, and make an effort to enjoy my life. This is a lesson we could all stand to remember. If it feels weird that it’s being taught to you by a 17-year-old kid, well, there’s another paradigm shattered.
The bottom line is, when I came out, I learned that I was worth it. In the process of navigating my new queer universe, I learned that everyone else is worth it, too. Dear whoever’s reading this, you really honestly truly hold some serious power in your hands. Power to respect & honor yourself. Power to respect & honor others. Power to change your life & ultimately, change the world. If that’s not empowering, I don’t know what is.
Yes, I was delusional to come out. All odds were against me, except for my family – who, by the way, have loved me every step of the way. However, I did go to three churches at the time, all of which I knew to be at least somewhat anti-gay. Sharing my romantic and sexual affinity for women with them was a delusional move if I’ve ever seen one! Yet I told them first, and I dealth with the aftermath.
Yes, you will be delusional when you do _______ or whatever it is that you are putting off doing for yourself. Chances are, you haven’t done it yet because it’s not easy. There may even be people who don’t want you to do it. That doesn’t mean that you have to hang your head and accept your fate as a nobody.
I didn’t. I was a sixteen year old girl, scared out of my freakin’ mind, and I managed to step up and stay honest. Trust me when I say, you can too."
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