The one thing I can't afford to be delusional about

It is not abnormal for a college-student-run blog to start suffering when studying becomes a constant around exam time. It is also to be expected to have less time to post when health becomes an issue. Right now, both pose as issues that have been keeping me from keeping DtD up to date, so I figure I should offer a little insight as to why my schedule no longer has post subjects written in for every other day, except for today of course, which has in all caps:

"POST ON BLOG ABOUT WHY YOU SUCK AT POSTING THIS MONTH."

See, I was diagnosed with iron deficiency anemia when I was in high school. It all started with my Algebra II class junior year. My grades were beginning to suffer because it became a chore to concentrate. I got enough sleep, I wasn't necessarily bored in class, I simply could not focus. So, like most kids in high school who can't concentrate, I was diagnosed with ADD. The medication seemed to help keep me focused for longer stretches of time, but then I began to feel weak, lethargic, and incredibly shaky. Something wasn't right. That was when I went to the doctor and had my blood drawn for testing. (Worst clinic visit ever. They poked me ten times before they were able to find a good vein. Last resort was through the top of my hand, and it hurt like a motherfucker.) A week later I got the results and I was told that my iron levels were dangerously low. I was anemic.

This anemia has been a reoccurring issue since then. I take supplements until my levels test out as normal, then I take a break (you can actually overdose on iron if you are not careful), and the anemia comes right back into my life like a weight pressing down on me, keeping me from fully enjoying life the way that I want to. When a friend asks if I want to go running, I have to pass for fear of fainting. When my dizzy spells begin to dictate what I can and can't do, I feel incredibly limited and weak.

It has been exactly a year since I started taking the concentrated iron, and I feel worse than ever. I fainted at work in front of my customers, and let me tell you, it was not something I could laugh off. I was mortified. I even had a spell in my room while sitting at my window. I was not being physical what-so-ever. Everyone and their mom agreed that another visit to the doc was necessary.

On Tuesday I traveled to San Antonio and fasted for a blood test. When I sat down with the family doctor and explained what was going on, she looked incredibly concerned and asked that I lay down for the entirety of the visit. They took an EKG (if you have never had an EKG, they make you strip and hook you up to a machine that monitors your heart, it's not something you want to get used to) and blood samples, nothing that I have never experienced before. Then she sat down with me and gave me two referrals: a cardiologist, and a neurologist. Immediately, I was terrified.

Y'see, I am not a big fan of doctors, stemming from an experience of mine last year. My Dad lost his business due to a shitty economy, so we no longer could afford health insurance. So instead, I went to a doctor on campus, someone affordable who could still help me.

"How can I help you?" he asked.

"Hi. A few years ago I was diagnosed with a severe iron deficiency and since I haven't been feeling myself lately, I just wanted to check my iron levels to see if I have improved any since then."

The man was hesitant, but performed the blood tests. When he called my cell phone and asked me to return to the clinic, I of course was concerned. "I don't think you are anemic. I think you have thalassemia."

"What the heck is that?"

"Well, your blood cells are abnormally shaped. It's like sickle cell, only this is a Mediterranean disease."

"My Mom has some Spanish in her..."

"That might be it. We need to test to make sure."

For one entire month, I was asked to return to the clinic weekly for blood tests, X-Rays, physical exams. You name it, I did it. By the end of the month, the doctor concluded that I was anemic. What. The. Fuck.

I was drained, literally.

He did, however, refer me to a cardiologist for more extensive exams, but I was broke, so that was not an option. Plus, I was way too pissed off at this doctor to continue treatments, so I abandoned the clinic altogether and just stuck to the concentrated iron. But when I went to Alaska, and was so weak, Michael was tempted to bring me to the emergency room, but me, not wanting to make a fuss, refused. However, after I fainted at work, enough was enough. So here I am: confused, weak, angry, wanting answers, and generally exhausted.

I haven't made the appointments just yet because I have not received the results for my blood test from a few days ago, and the wait is killing me.

Yes, for once, I have an excuse. On top of all of this, I have exams to study for. I will keep you updated when I can, and even entertained with some potential guest posts. If you are interested in helping me out, please email me at JessRolin@gmail.com. I appreciate all of you and your never ending support. I don't care what other bloggers claim. I have the best group of followers, period. Let's just hope that this is temporary.

Love you all,

J-Roll