Michael and I: Part Two

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Haven't read Part One? Click here.

When Michael found someone else, someone who wasn't me, I felt like I had let a fantasy swallow me whole and devour me until there was nothing left but this lingering, unrealistic hope that he still wanted me. My feelings for him thrived on that hope and the power it had over me remained, no matter how hard I tried to expel it, through relationships that followed soon after. That hope destroyed any chance I had at nurturing the potential each of these relationships offered. When I dated, I was distracted by the fear of getting too involved because it would ultimately leave me unavailable for Michael. What if he came to me? What if he changed his mind? Then what would be the point of surrendering to feelings I had for other people? If I surrendered, the feelings could develop... and if they developed, I would move on.

The prospect of abandoning my feelings for Mike scared me. The prospect of being happy without him scared me even more, because if I did those things, would I ever be truly happy with the question of "what if" hanging in the air, haunting me for the rest of my life?

I was torn between wanting to run away from those feelings and wanting to embrace them. It was damaging yet exhilarating because he was having the same issues, the same fears. If it wasn't apparent that we were both struggling, I don't think I would have held on as long as I did. His discomfort with me being with someone else spoke for him.

We also tried to be friends. But I couldn't stand to have him talk about Jill, which was unavoidable. It broke my heart, and yet because I wanted him to remain a constant in my life, however painful, I listened. I listened and I encouraged. I even made up a story about a bullshit dream I had that helped me realize that what I wanted was unrealistic and it had helped me to move on, just so he wouldn't feel guilty for talking to me.

Michael: You know how you said that dream helped you let go? (And it better have, or I'll whoop your ass for saying it did), well... I hope you dreamed it for both of us. Because I've been trying to move on. I'll admit that Jill's made that less than difficult, too. Trying. She...told me she loves me. She's never said it before.

J-Roll:  Does it scare you?

Michael: the phrase? I told her I loved her a long time ago.

J-Roll:  Well, you're happy. I could never attempt to ruin that for you. I won't be selfish, though I want to be. (You can whoop my ass now.) A girl like me can't get over an amazing guy in one night.

Michael:  I'm sorry. Is there any way I can help? Aside from cutting all ties here and moving to San Antonio?

J-Roll:  Y'love Jill. You should be able to talk about her.

Michael:  Well. What else is there to say? I do. I love her. So much more than I realize sometimes. I don't know how I manage to forget, though. Just looking at her makes my heart swell. And ache.

I don't remember sleeping very well that night. What I do remember is me staring at acceptance letters I had received in the mail for hours upon hours, trying to determine my next step. There, on my pillow, sat a letter from NYU and another from Texas State University, both symbolizing two milestones in my life, each with the potential to lead me in very different directions. I had wanted to go to Texas State University since I had taken a tour of the campus when I was thirteen. But going to NYU would mean that I would no longer be out of reach and faceless to Michael, that I would be an option in his life.

When I chose to attend NYU, I waited for Michael to get online the next day so I could tell him, despite my current relationship with Clause (but the guy thought his reflection more important than me, so it was easy for my feelings for Michael to derail that train).

But Michael didn't get online. I had gotten used to his frequent absences (he had a life, school, and love) and I knew I just needed to be patient. But the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months. By the time he got online again, he lingered for a little under than ten minutes, then logged off. Ten minutes was not enough time to explain that I wanted to give my future to him. So I asked the standard questions. You know.

"How are you?"

"What have you been up to?"

"How is Jill?"

I couldn't wait anymore. Michael was doing his part in forgetting me by staying away from his computer and I was going to do the same for the sake of my heart and for my fucking sanity. So I asked for a check and sent the tuition to the school furthest from the man who broke me. I was going to attend Texas State. I was going to move on, even if it meant blindly diving into another relationship headfirst without a second thought. 

That was how I met Norman.

To be continued.